Sunday, November 18, 2007

I read through one of my old journals today. It was from a few years ago, when I was living on Alabama Street, driving my Pontiac, working at the coffee shop and broker than shit. Here are some excerpts:

...I'm sick of not having money. I should just suck it up and let my parents help me. I work full time and I still don't even know how I'm going to afford a winter coat...

...Speaking of Sean, I had a big fight with him about how much money I DON'T make. I tell him I only want to work part time so I can get another part time job that pays more, then he's like "blah blah blah I bought this coffee shop for you" and I say "well I've been here for two years and I only make fifty cents more than the morons you hired two months ago" and he says "well they can't live on what you were hired in it--I had to pay them more" and I say "they all live off their parents and work here for beer money. I can't live on what I make now" and he says "fuck you for threatening to quit" and I say, "I wasn't threatening and you should understand wanting to make more money since that's all you care about" and then he comes into the store and it's all kissy kissy...

...So I signed the lease today for the efficiency. I like it, I think. It's close to downtown, it's new and clean, and it's only $300.

I am so broke. But I don't feel bad about buying a car. I had to. My piece of shit died in traffic today on the way to meet with my insurance adjustor to insure the Civic.

My landlord said he would give me my deposit back before the first, but now he's decided to hold it for the full 30 days. I'm so fucked.

I'm starting a housecleaning business. I have confidence that it will work...


The good news is, I no longer drive an unreliable piece of shit car or overdraft my bank account or worry about affording the basic necessities or live in an apartment that gets broken into or where I can hear my neighbor's beating their wives (like Alabama Street). But I remember that point in time and how depressed I was and how overwhelmed I felt by life and money and other people. And I wonder why I still feel that way. It's like I've been in this anxious survival mode for so long that I can't get out of it and I can't trust myself to be happy. So what about all of the things I was going to do when I wasn't broke and working constantly... I can't even remember what they were now.