Monday, December 31, 2007

There comes a moment after you break up with someone where you have to re-examine who you are outside of the context of the relationship. I think I've alwyas been inclined to get into safe relationships with people who I knew wouldn't leave me, whose emotions I seemed to control more than they controlled mine. To counter that control, they would frequently exaggerate specific qualities and traits, which are, in moderation, perhaps endearing, but when amplified, often very negative. They may have loved me for those traits, but in the end, they would always make me feel indebted to their ability to tolerate them, as if I were some sort of wild creature that only they could tame. Maybe this is true. I am a believer that pain is superior to numbness, that suffering brings enlightenment... perhaps I too often apply those beliefs to my relationships. Sometimes I amplify conflict because I like seeing how the other person can handle it, because I want them to see something about me that I don't know how to communicate, that I fear they will reject. Men meet me and assume that because I'm blond and personable, I'm sweet and safe and predictable. The truth is, I don't know if I'm really meant for anybody. There are plenty of men who would be willing to tolerate me, even love and appreciate me, but those men never seem to challenge me. The men who challenge me seem to want their own opposite... sweet and safe and predictable. I don't think it has anything to do with my age, I think it has to do with the fact that I expect some level of masculinity and persistance and open-minded acceptance that only exists in my imagination. I'm tired of men making me feel like I'm crazy because I drink and get loud; cry over stupid things; rant about everything I hate; cavort and whore for attention; push the boundaries of what is socially acceptable; get restless whenever I do one thing for too long; am incapable of making decisions; rebel for the sake of rebelling whenever someone tries to push me to do something--regardless of whether or not I want to do it; want what I want and refuse to compromise; think too much--about everything; ask questions and push people's boundaries of comfort; come up with the lowest, most biting insult imaginable and say it even though I don't mean it... I am not a moderate person. I never will be.

When I was a kid, I exhibited a memorable self confidence, according to my friends of childhood. I was self confident. I was smart, I was funny, I was adventurous and brazen and felt a strong connection to boys and a strong disrespect for women, who I perceived as petty and boring and weak. Secretly, though, I hated myself and I envied the attention other girls got for their obedience and idiotic cheerfulness. I wanted desperately to be one of those pretty, simple girls that everyone liked, that adults doted over, that did everything right and kept their room clean and got straight As. I was always being told that I was negative, obstinant, opinionated, disrespectful, sloppy, lazy, incompetent, blah blah blah. All I ever wanted was someone to pat me on the head and say, "Good job! You're great! I'm proud of you!" I wanted the kind of positive attention that those girls got. They're the kind of girls that everyone wants to date when they grow up. They get engaged when they're 22 and have perfect children with a perfect man and live in the suburbs. I know how most of those women end up... their husbands start cheating, the marriage falls apart and she's left with no work or life experience at 42--and no independent sense of self, either. Sometimes it doesn't even take that long. These women are rarely loved for who they are, but for the combination of qualities they project, which makes them good genetic canidates for men who must reproduce but are more focused on their own ambitions than anything else. This isn't the fate I want. But these men at my age are everywhere, trolling for a perfect mate, not a soulmate. They seek an attractive female who will fit into the design they have already made for their life and are threatened by any female who already has her own design. They see me, a personable blond and assume I'm "one of those girls". They worship me--until we have an actual conversation. Then I disappoint them and threaten their proverbial male ego because the last thing I'm looking to do is comform and fit into someone else's life agenda (what a crime). Then they end up attacking me and telling me all of the same shit I heard my entire childhood, only they sum up all of those adjectives with one word: bitch. Frankly, all I want is someone to love me for all of the things I'm inclined to hide or tone down about myself and to love someone for all of the things that they have had to hide from everyone else.

Thursday, December 27, 2007

Christmas was less than pleasant. Somehow they always turn out that way. Last year, I went home from the Bahler family Christmas crying. This year I didn't even both going. I stayed at home with my mother and Christina. My mother was volitile as always, and there were good moments, but they barely outweighed the ones where she was ranting and screaming. Christmas eve I walked out of my apartment and roamed the streets of downtown and took a long drive, crying pitifully and wishing I'd just volunteered at the shelter instead of participating in all of this bull shit. Christmas can be such a great thing, but only if you really have a family that's warm and loving. My family has never been warm or loving, except in a few isolated, redeeming moments, which never seem to happen on holidays.

Misery lingered until Christmas was over officially. Then last night Christina and my mom and I went to Nicky Blaine's in downtown Indianapolis and had a fabulous time. We ended up drinking two bottles of wine, dancing to the jazz band and stumbling through the rain in downtown Indianapolis.

I took this picture Christmas morning...

Monday, December 17, 2007

The Oxygen network. "Oxygen delivers edgy, intelligent entertainment for women and the men who love them."

Um... let's review the lineup. First of all, we have the show "The Bad Girls Club." This show is all about a bunch of anorexic, self absorbed bitches who are self-declared "bad girls". They are the dregs of society, according to Oxygen's "edgy, intelligent" standards: strippers, girls who will "cut you up", who steal from the registers at their menial food service jobs, alcoholics and promiscuous bimbos. But what actually makes them "bad girls" is their affinity for getting drunk and having bitch-fights in bikinis by the hot tub while male viewers mute their TVs and wank off. I get plenty of criticism for what I do for a living--I'm a stripper (who has never been in a drunk bitch-fight, incidentally), and apparently stripping is "degrading to women." I hear that crap all the time. Excuse me, but women seem pretty busy degrading themselves on a much more public forum. We have a network for "edgy, intelligent women" that endorses and promotes stereotypes of women as dumb, self-absorbed, mean, belligerent, shallow, classless, unambitious, promiscuous and, of all things, misogynistic. Ironically, the stripper is the smartest and least obnoxious one on the show.

Then we have the Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency. This is a show which I cannot even stomach long enough to watch an entire episode, but one needs only see three or four minutes to know that it's an ego trip for some has-been bag who hit her career peak as a model thirty years ago and who has had so much plastic surgery she's practically humanoid. She basically walks around telling emaciated, starry-eyed young girls who aspire to be models that they're too fat. It's a show entirely dedicated to making women feel bad about themselves so some vile hag can relive her glory days in psychosis. If one of these girls didn't have an ounce of body fat on her, she'd tell them to have their eyelids liposuctioned and injected into their lips. It's offensive, it's vile, it does nothing but empower the sins of this culture's media which I don't even need to name.

These seem to be the only two shows on this channel's line up, probably because they have no money for production, which hopefully foretells their eminent demise. Occasionally they have reruns of mediocre, feel-good chick flicks like the Amanda Bynes epic, What a Girl Wants. How about some shows about female attorneys or, at the very least, high school graduates. How about some shows where the women have witty dialogue and keep their clothes on and don't demean each other? How about some shows that don't make me want to go out and get a sex change operation?

Saturday, December 15, 2007

Last night I went with Kirk to an office party at one of the law firms. I drank a little too much wine and went on a rant about how prosecutors need to stop focusing on petty drug and alcohol misdemeanors (that are easy to deal with because they dont require investigation and never go to expensive, time consuming trials but make them look like they're actually dealing with "crime" in the community) and actually prosecute REAL, violent crimes, like child molest and murder. Afterwards we had sushi and went to see I Am Legend. I didn't piss anyone off for the rest of the evening.

It's been snowing all day. Dan and I went to the Bistro and it was so pretty sitting inside and watching it.

Saturday, December 1, 2007

Would somebody fucking comment on my blog? I feel unloved.