Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Last night I was out with Bonnie, her co-worker Keith and his friend Joe. Bonnie's new boyfriend was our waiter, and I complimented her on her taste because, frankly, the guy was hot--very masculine and competent at his job. This spawned a big argument about, essentially, why women are attracted to masculinity and competence and whether those things are important. My approval of Bonnie's boyfriend seemed to trigger the insecurities of Keith and Joe. Keith is good looking, but self-professes his "sensitivity" and aversion to being "forward with women." This translates into, essentially, that he wouldn't have the balls to talk to a woman if she was flinging herself at him naked. He is constantly self-deprecating and feeling sorry for himself because "women only want to date assholes." (I argue that maybe if "nice, sensitive guys" actually asked us out once in a while, we might have other options.) Joe is overweight, a self-professed nerd, generally negative and a little arrogant. Joe believes that self-care, confidence and ambition aren't nearly as important as "what's inside." Guys like he and Keith apparently don't have girlfriends because girls are too stupid and shallow to "look at the inner person."

I call bull shit.

In almost every species, the man is bigger, more colorful, and louder than the female in order to attract her. This is our primal mating ritual. Am I going to be attracted to some mopey fat guy sitting in a bar who won't even look me in the eye? Fuck no. I don't care how "special" he is inside. If he wants me to know, he should be doing something to let me know he's interesting and amazing. Yes, to attract a desirable mate you have to have something to offer. What is so wrong or outlandish about that concept? Yes, I expect men to care about their appearance, have jobs, ambitions, interests and a personality. I expect them to be confident in who they are. When did women become shallow for expecting men to actually make an effort? Men don't have to do that fucking much anymore. I mean it's not they're going off and dying in battle in order to prove that they're "real men." In fact, any ideals of courage and heroism and masculine strength we once exhalted have all been lost to my generation. I'm pretty amazed when I go out with a guy under 30 who actually pays for dinner. What I want to say to these guys is, "Okay, I'll pay for dinner if you go out and slay half an army and bring me someone's head on a your shield."

Keith was upset at his friend Nolan because they were both buying drinks for a waitress and Nolan got her number first. Keith, apparently, interprets this as "cockblocking." It's called NOLAN HAD MORE CONFIDENCE THAN YOU AND ACTUALLY TOOK INITIATIVE. Guess what, guys? Woman LIKE that. He refuses, however, to engage in such immature "antics", and is pissed because the waitress doesn't acknowledge him now, even though he barely raises his head to look at her when he goes into the bar. You have to compete for mates--it's been that way ever since we evolved into primates. All he has to do is strike up a conversation with her, or at least say hello, or even flat out ask her if she'd like a drink when she gets off work. I'm not going to pursue any guy. I'm going to expect him to have the courage to pursue me. I mean, hell, if I'm single, I'll usually go out at least once with a guy I'm not even that interested in just because I'm impressed by the fact that he approached me. Confidence and initiative is much more sexy than brand name clothes or hair gel or "sensitivity."

All of these stupid little emo guys are sitting around reading Lord of the Rings and playing videogames and living in their fantasy worlds, but none of them seem to connect the fact that the same reason they are attracted to those sorts of examples of male heroism and strength are the same reason women are. Men are supposed to be strong. I don't want to hear about some guy's self-esteem issues and how special he is if only I'd look closer. I want him to show me. FUCKING SHOW ME! DO SOMETHING! ANYTHING!

When did men get this pathetic? They should give off their fucking couches, take off their headphones, actually learn to wield something sharp and dangerous, work out a little bit, and go out and fight for women like it's been done since the beginning of time. Or at least learn to have the balls to ask a girl for her phone number.